The Good Dirt

1. jetlag sucks: i woke up this morning with a craving for chicken pot pie, which i indulged--for breakfast. at 5:30 AM.

2. i've eaten both 150g bags of twiglets. ridonk. good thing jim doesn't like them. also good thing that i can't readily find them here.

3. i slept most of the day yesterday. that is, i worked from 6AM until about 10AM and then crashed, hard, onto the couch, where snippets of an incredibly annoyig version of Nancy Drew ran through my dreams courtesy of TCM, followed by Jim walking in and out of the room and giving me upates on his day: "I'm going for my swim now, okay?" "The hound and i are going for a stroll now, okay?" "I'll be back in a few hours, after my ride, okay?" Okay, okay, okay. then i went to bed properly around eight and knew no more until the aforementioned chicken pot pie.

4. the ShelterBox  madness begins: there are presentations to write, friends to debrief, meetings to set up and carry through on. this is insanity of the best sort.

5. however, it's coupled with insanity on some other levels as well: today, on top of my first session back at the pool for some time, i have a telephone conference at 11AM for some work with an adventure racing group; the aforementioned debrief telephone calls with friends; the picking up of my telephone messages; and i begin some work with a children's publisher of environmental books. then i've got to circle back around with REI and Leave No Trace for one reason or another. where is my to-do list? oh, here it is...i've mistaken it for a loo-roll, it's that long.

6. the britishisms are taking over my life. at least i've got the difference between trousers and pants down pat.

7. i'm aware that i'm not telling people much here about the whole ShelterBox experience. i will, i will.

...i still haven't managed to wrap my brain around all of the good things that ShelterBox will do in the near future, or that I'm a part of said good things.
i'm hoping that, as i return to the States and start to talk about the experience with friends, i'll be better off for it.
here's a photo of some ShelterBox friends being herded by some sheep on an navigation/recce exercise that covered well over 15K. those moors...they may look like gentle slopes, but...they weren't. 

Notes, over nine days:

1. I've got a sinus infection. It's going to be terrific to fly on, for sure.
2. London is fabulous.
3. I have terrific friends.
4. Dartmoor is probably the most interesting place I've explored in quite some time.
5. When you put sixteen people with really strong personalities into a room, you're going to get some very interesting scenarios. But we all drink well together, and that's important, because...
6. All sixteen of us (four Kiwis, four Americans, and eight Brits) are officially SRTs. I bet we'll all deploy together at some point in time.
7. I am really, really tired, but
8. Today I treated myself to a shopping day with Lara and bought some swank, awesome sunglasses and a pair of sweet Puma flats. Happy girl, indeed. 

this is my dog. boy, is he articulate.

Things on my mind:

A. Kara sent me two of the most awesome gifts ever. They are below. (1), A set of skeleton keys, for Christmas. I've always wanted one of these keys. They don't go to anything yet, but I'm going to see if I can get a lock made for at least one of them. And she included a blank, so I can at least make a lock for that.

I'm not sure why it is that I've always wanted one of these. I know one of the reasons is purely aesthetic, natch. Another might have to do with history: I like feeling like I'm grounded by something other than my immediate surroundings.  And then, perhaps, another, more over-arching reason is that I've always been obsessed with the idea of having something that is truly my own. I like bespoke items, for instance, and am more drawn to the idea of having something made for me than I am with RTW items. Then again, perhaps this is an affliction that everyone suffers from. Anyway, I have my own keys now. I'm taking one of them with me to ShelterBox. I'm fully planning on a small package of items that remind me of home and the people I love and care about.

Shortly after 9/11, Kara also sent me a small fighter jet, to protect me and my loved ones. If I could take that, I would--but it's got too many angles; I'm afraid its wings will break off in my pack or something.

I always said that if I had one of these keys I'd take it everywhere, as my own personal talisman. It wouldn't matter if it didn't belong to anything, but if it did, I'd keep it even closer, and wear it over my heart.

B. (2) is a voodoo doll. Kara made it. I think it very smartly dressed, and the fact that it both resembles and is named the same as my ex-boyfriend hysterical. Andy will also not go with me to ShelterBox; he is too fragile. If I do not get into ShelterBox Andy will rapidly acquire another name, and he will also acquire a great many pins in a certain very sensitive region. [Me goes to consult Voodoo guide.]

C. I am no longer overwhelmed by packing. I am, however, overwhelmed by packing my first aid kit, which has long been geared towards adventure racing and now might have to include things like syringes, just in case I get stuck in Nigeria someplace and can't depend on the local hospital's syringes. I know, I know...wha?

I am also overwhelmed by packing of things like eyewear and facial creams. You know, girly stuff. I mean, should I go contacts or glasses? If I go contacts, I will have to make extra sure that I pack lots of little wipes and things for my grubby paws. If I go glasses and it's sunny (ha!) then this could be a problem. If I go glasses and I lose them...Argh!

And as far as things like facial creams go...okay, I know it sounds crazy. But I have very sensitive skin. And I only have one face, and I'm using one specific system that's done good for me, and I don't want to give that up.. I guess I could get away with it if I packed them in very small canisters. OK. I'll do that.

D. It's snowing today.

E. Leadership has been looming large in my mind. That, and the concept of it. I think this might tie back into (A). I also think this is residual hurt from having had to shut ARFE down, but that could just be moronic thinking.

When I built ARFE, and there was some demand for it, I was thrilled to have something I could call my own, although I never felt particularly proud of the thing: there was always too much to do for me to feel very content over it. I had a team that I managed, and I had people that I touched base with on a regular basis, although they were not always dependable. I had an idendity: I was the ARFE lady. When people saw me at races, they would say, "Hey! ARFE!" And when people my racers on the race course, they would sometimes sing, "Who Let the Dogs Out?" Sometimes, in conversation with a partner, they would say things like, "But, ARFE, dont' you think that..." and then they'd hitch a laugh and say, "I just called you ARFE," and I never took offense. In fact, I liked it.

But it was also a nightmare in many ways: When people didn't follow through, or when it became sharply apparent that they were doing things mostly because they wanted free kit or free races, for instance. That kind of thing hurts. And it made me question myself, regularly and with some pissiness: When you give people things, when they see you working so hard, isn't it supposed to make them like you? Respect you? Consider you, at least?

Of course, I've only got a few circumstances lined up in my head, but they're no less prevalent than they were when it happened: "forgetting" to wear the ARFE kit during massive presentations, for instance. Or not asking me if I wanted to go to dinner before a race meeting. Or--god! not mentioning ARFE during key interviews with media.

Christ. I've got to stop thinking about this.

Anyway, it made me crazy. And it was deeply hurtful. I didn't understand: I had a team. I gave them stuff. I had given everything I could to the sport of adventure racing. And, by far and large, the sport gave back to ARFE. But there were key times when they didn't. Of course, we always remember the bad stuff, but I've got to wonder if it wasn't *me* that didn't instill a lack of respect, a certain lack of deisre to please, a lack of pride in one's uniform. And all of that makes me question my leadership skills. If a leader can't instill loyalty, then what the hell is that leader good for? F*ck all, is what.

Well, all that's done and gone now, but the need for leadership and its subsequent trappings looms enormously in my mind. Next week at this time I'll be knee-deep in Cornwall mud and neck-deep in ShelterBoxia. They are gong to make me Lead. I know from recent experience that when things go wrong and I have an inkling on how to fix them, I will step in and take over. I also know that I'm not the most patient person in the world and that I do no suffer fools lightly. But things won't be black and white in ShelterBoxia, and my heavy-handed methods may not go over well.

I just have to remember that if I don't make it in, it will have been for a very, very good reason.

F. I spent a lot of money on socks yesterday. But I also found a pair of really lovely merino wool glove liners that fit properly. And they're bright fuschia. Yay!

G. We're going to Medieval Times today with Dan for his birthday. More yay! I am making some wassail to go with. I've always wanted to be a wench of some sort. The dress is casual, and there's no silverware, because apparenty there wasn't silverware back then (?), but it doesn't feel right if I"m in blue jeans. Sigh. Too bad I left my wench outfit back in Claremont with the madrigal choir.

H. Tab and I met Thursday for an excellent writing day. It was terrific!! I think I might have finished something, although it's a very rough first draft and there are holes everywhere. Big, black holes with monsters lurking in 'em.

I. I am very, very happy at the prospect of seeing Lara, Roj, and the ankle-biters again. I think they both are at knee-biting height now, though. Heh.

J. Happy Valentine's Day! Go hug a friend.

K. And then there's this. Damn, it's "still processing" on YouTube. Never mind.

   

Click here to download:

argh.zip (5941 KB)

Ron sent along some really fun photos of us snowshoeing. Well, Lisa, Kirsten, and Ron went snowshoeing. I mucked. The funny thing about these photos is that you can see JUST HOW BOWED over I am because of that...damned...pack...!
Also, the last photo...well. How to explain the last photo? I have these friends, you see, these stylish friends who have things like minimalist art made by their parents on their walls and awesome wood sculptures from Nigeria. I loves them, I do. They are really good people, and really fun. One of the best things about them is their rug. It is from Ligne Roset and it is really quite whimsical, although I don't understand it, and if it were in my living room, I would trip over it every day, because you see, it has a big bump right on the edge of it. Alexandra calls it her "pregnant rug." I, being obsessed as I am with the health of my back, chose to see it as a very gentle Swiss Ball. So that's the story with that photo. No, I'm not drunk. That's another night.

           

Click here to download:

reartwalk.zip (10322 KB)

Tabitha tagged me, for seven things I love. She got creative and listed seven places she's visited that she loved. Not so with me. No creativity this afternoon!
Here's my list.

The Lucky Seven

1. My dog.
2. My boyfriend.
3. My friends.
4. Being outside, with my friends, boyfriend, dog.
5. Being inside, with my friends, boyfriend, dog.
6. Shopping for food and wine. Targeted shopping of clothes ("white shirt! need!"), shoes ("kitten heel! black leather!"), bags following, but not very closely.
7. Navel-gazing.

Today was a stupidly terrific day. I got up at 8 and read some of the paper while I made myself some noodles for brekkie. Then, Lisa and Ron arrived on the nose, and we packed dog and us into our car and went to go snow-shoeing with Kirsten. An hour and a fifty minutes later we'd walked up the lake and back and were sitting in a smoky (burned food!) Einstein's bagels, chatting about a visit to my lovely lovely home of Taiwan and scheming for future visits.

Friends. Friends are good.

Here's the video I referred to earlier.
Heh.